Today was a very difficult day for me. A few months ago I made the commitment to myself to getting better. I wanted to finally figure out what, if anything, was wrong with me. After a wonderful conversation with Michal, along with a very honest conversation with myself, I no longer want to seek what is wrong with me. Instead I wanted to choose what was right about me.

The choices I made today will haunt me for a very long time. Its a choice I have to live with, but at what cost. To some, this may just be an insignificant trivial situation, but for me, this moment is precisely the difficult I struggle with but cannot express.

After patiently waiting, I started to finally watch season 2 of Star Trek: Picard. I made myself a good dinner after a wonderful nap and a nice soak in the tub. I even got to finish my bottle of wine.

Ding

Instantly I started to go towards my phone and I stopped myself. No. That’s not what I want to do. I want to do this and I ignored my phone. I continued to watch my show and drink my wine.

Knock Knock Knock

Knock Knock Knock

Ring Call from Seth

This doesn’t happen to me. I answered the phone. Seth asked if I was home. I said yes. I got dressed and answered the door. He was looking for me earlier today, hoping I was at Camas Slices. He dinged me but I never responded so he came here. I was happy to see him. He was happy, smiling, and in a good mood. I miss seeing that from him. He returned my growler, shared a few clarification words, explained I was watching Picard and was doing that.

Now I’m here. Expressing my disdain for being selfish. If you ask me 10 times would I rather:

A) Meet up with a friend, even for just a moment
B) Stay home and watch TV

I like to think of myself as a 10/10, I choose A. Today, I was aware of my selfish choice to watch Picard, ignore multiple times opportunities of communication, and spend the last 20 minutes building the courage to even write this about my experience. This feeling I have in my heart is extremely unsettling. It’s choices like this, living with my choice, living with my shame of accepting my choice, and building the courage to accept that, it’s okay. It’s very heavy on my chest this feeling. But echoing in my head, is this voice of authority saying to me, no pain no gain. I have to be willing to put the work into accepting that choice that I make, even if its a missed opportunity to being with people you care about.

And now, I’m off to have a beer with my friend Seth because in the end, the universe has my back. It’s going to be tough, but I’ll get stronger.