I’m pretty good when it comes to doing something I put my mind to. Funny thing about my mind these days… seems I can’t keep what I want committed long enough to give it a chance. I just see so many different opportunities to pursue. Experiences I wouldn’t even consider exploring. That doesn’t sound like a good life if you ask me. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong, it just is for me.

Decision paralysis: The lack of ability to decide out of fear of making the wrong choice. It can occur when you’re presented with too many choices that are difficult to compare, instead becoming overwhelmed by all of them and not choosing any of the options – effectively paralyzing yourself from making progress.

I want to do something. My focus hasn’t been allowing me to pursue doing something I want to do. My mind is constantly seeing many opportunities all at the same time. So much so, I end up in decision paralysis.

Alexithymia: The inability to recognize or describe one’s own emotions.

When it comes to my feelings, I have to give examples, like a short story whose punchline is that feeling. An emotional jokester. I don’t have to fiddle with experiences and the feelings everyone else has. I don’t really feel anything from things, not very often. And when I do, yea so what. You want me to be all excited every single time I have a smile on my face and be like, whoa look at me I’m really smiling for reals. Look at me, woo woo. That’s fake. It even looks fake, like Tammy Baker fake.

I’m very confident that no matter what the struggle or challenge I have in my life, I know the answer. Either that or I know how to Google or text a friend. However, by committing to an answer, I will be closing every other opportunity or possibility. There’s no real reason to do anything else that isn’t the actual answer. Yes, this is very black and white. This is exactly what I’m trying to avoid trapping myself into. Ah ha. So many people my whole life tell me that I’m very black and white. They have planted the seed of deceit. No no Thomas, don’t grow up to be black and white. But, if I define a black or white, I have no desires of pursuing anything else. Isn’t that… the answer?

Think about it. In what world would it make sense for me to commit my love to someone and then say ‘nope’ the next minute? I’m not a robot. I don’t understand so many different feelings that I feel. It doesn’t make any sense. Truth is, I don’t get why I don’t feel what love is. I think I see it. I think see it all the time from other people to everyone else. I do feel the feelings that tug at my heart strings but it doesn’t make any sense to me at the same time when it happens. I feel that connection. How I got there? When I try to explain it, I can’t. I don’t know how to do that.

The opportunity for me is to accept the answer, whether it’s black or white, and then… take a step back. What was I pursuing in the first place? I want to write a blog. That’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m struggling to keep focus, but I enable myself to relax and I can feel the calming, and I am able to regain focus. It’s what I want. I am doing it.

Recently I just learned that the mantra I adopted in my early 20s, ‘Expect nothing, gain everything‘ was something I understood. Come to find out, I had it all wrong. I struggle with my emotions. It’s the processing of them really. Unless it fits perfectly with what I know that emotion is, everything else is just a letdown. I won’t feel that connection. So close, yet so far away. I expected it to be all or nothing. Absolutely backwards. All that opportunity to experience, learn, enable myself to feel that connection with people, I ain’t gained shit. That’s rough.

It’s really difficult to not be able to have that special someone in my life to help me emotionally process something I have a question about. I talk out loud to process these possibilities. Without that affirmation from someone who:

• I trust
• I feel safe
• I allow myself to feel vulnerable
• I keep my ego in check
• I focus
• I have faith that the information I learn is:
  • Healthy
  • Truthful
  • Comes from their heart
  • No malice
  • No deception
  • Will not make me look like a fool
• I have patience

Wouldn’t that be nice.