Oh no, here we go again. This spiral is happening again. It’s a repeated pattern.

2021 in November weeks before my parents arrived in Camas, I talked to my friends Wendy, Dan, Nate, and KC at what would be the last dinner I have with people who I strongly considered my friends. I must have said something that I shouldn’t have. I talked to Wendy about it a few months later saying to her that sometime in my talking about my emotions, around the table, I felt both wanting to hug someone and at the same time, I was about to get punched. She confirmed my observations were spot on. Now, they have nothing to do with me. No more full moon parties. No dinner invites. No text’s. I’ve been ex-communicated. I now avoid them because I did or said something so horrible, that I am not even worth being talked to like an adult. I think I’ve seen Wendy one or two times. Wendy isn’t the type of person who starts anything or hold any grudge. But, I’m just no longer anything to anyone any more. Even their daughter Lily was about to walk down the beer isle towards me, saw me, then just turned and tucked tail out of Safeway. It’s all my fault.

This is why this past 2 weeks has been so hard for me, because I’m back to self sabotage again. I’m trying to remove ALL the good that I have earned here so I can feel miserable, hated, despised so when I go to NC, I can feel dead inside just to be with my family. As long as there is no joy or happiness, things are fine. Go back to that #samskara of deep hatred for myself. I can’t allow myself to “be” happy around either my mom or sister. I’m finding patterns from choices and behaviors to fit this feeling I have.