My #OCD over the past 40+ years is started to come in as a positive. My #dyxlexia that was never pursued to correcting. It wasn’t that I couldn’t read, but I saw reading as a way for me to getting smarter. Oh no no, I can’t get smarter now, mom will start calling me a smartass again.

Success? Same thing. Anything that I succeed in is going to be received as resentment. I feel their resentment. They say I’m proud, but I don’t feel any happiness towards me, I feel contempt. It’s from both my mom or sister. My #EQ is absolute garbage. I cannot emote how I feel without feeling their emotional response as a defensive weapon against me. Instead of being angry and lashing out, my mom taught me two lessons that are engrained in me:

• Pick your battles
• Kill them with kindness

Altruism is the principle and moral practice of concern for the welfare and/or happiness of other human beings or animals, resulting in a quality of life both material and spiritual. It is a traditional virtue in many cultures and a core aspect of various religious and secular worldviews.

I have a natural tendency to put the wellbeing of others ahead of my own. It is extremely difficult for me to be selfish and think of only of myself. This so much so that I live a very meager and simple life. I am one action away to being homeless, and I don’t care. Why am I this way?

I’m not a fighter of any kind. I’m a passivist. If I start to feel any type of negative emotion from anyone, I’m very quick to kill them with kindness. I don’t want to fight with them. I don’t want them to be angry at me. Here, let me do something nice. Let me buy some cookies. Let me buy you a drink. Let me buy you food. Let me manipulate you from feeling something negative and turn it into a positive. The more I feel hatred towards me, the more of an effort I am to putting into you. What an absolute garbage behavior. This is why I tell people all the time, I’m not a good person. I do good things, yes. But, I feel this negativity around me all the time. I’m so distraught and confused, it’s just better to ‘do good’ and ‘be good’ by action rather than address the negativity.

You run over me with your car? Oh don’t worry about it. I don’t care that I’m physically / visually scarred for the rest of my life by your drunk actions. No, please don’t hate me for that. I don’t hate you for it. Blame me for listening to you saying that you’re not going to stop. It was my fault for wearing my Birkenstocks in the first place. It was my fault for not wanting to get in the car with someone who had been drinking. I listened to you. You said tuck and roll and that’s exactly what I tried to do. Now, our neighbors want nothing to do with me any more. The most I get from them is a “hiiiiiiiii” and a quick whit “do you still live here, can I see your id” comment.

I can’t be angry when I rightfully should be. My #EQ is so low, my #IQ finds ways to circumvent that angry feeling into positivity. I’m not a good person, not even to myself.