I was tasked to write a blog about my feelings. I’m struggling trying to find something worth exploring. For this expression of feelings, I want to focus specifically on the two most important women of my life; my mom and younger sister.

The Setup

Last night Sami asked a question to me. Why do you overcomplicate things? If you want to go, go. If you don’t, you can simply stay home. A very black and white approach to a simple situation. It was in that moment I started to realize why I don’t want to go. Rather than go down a rabbit hole using logic, here’s my opportunity to speak from the heart.

Last night, I found something deep inside myself. I hate myself for all the right reasons and I hate myself for that feeling.

This is not a question about love and healthy relationships with my family. I am super proud of my sisters accomplishments, both highs and lows. My sister is an entire generation ahead of me emotionally and intellectually, having birthed and raised 2 incredible kids. You would think that with that experience, our relationship would grow at the same if not higher. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Sister: I know

Communications between me and my sister is generally one sided. Anything that I say is often cut off mid-sentence with either her saying “I know” or “No Thomas, it’s…“. I want to be angry at her in that moment. Stop this bullshit! She fails to realize that words are difficult for me. When she cuts me off, there’s a part of me that struggled to formulate that thought or feelings into actual words. When I do I want to say something I think, or feel, she already knows. I’m left with the thought, why talk at all? Anything I say, do, is already know of her. So I shut down. It now is my fault for not talking. It’s like bully picking on me, visually seeing something is wrong, that I shut down, and they’re saying “What’s wrong Thomas?“

I hate myself for having no voice. I have to emotionally keep myself in check else my emotional bully will send me into another panic attack and I’m on the first flight home again. She is an emotional manipulator. Instead of talking to me like an adult or as her big brother, I feel shame and disgust by her.

My Gut Feeling

I’m just waiting for the big fight when she gets to reveal the long game to me.

I had a NostraThomas situation where I knew something of my sister before it even happened. After it happened and came to light, my sister said to me, “Stop with the premonitions.” To get back at me, my sister learned so much about me to the point, she knows everything there is about me.

Now you know how it feels <mic drop>

Mom: Empty

Growing up my mom pounded some bad wisdom into me. “You can’t tell someone how to feel”, followed by, “It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it.” It took me 40+ years to realize, my mom doesn’t know shit when it comes to feelings. You can absolutely say something to someone in a particular tone / manner to convey emotions with intent. They are after all just words. Talking about feelings, working through feelings, development, and emotional growth, my mom is emotionally blind. Simply put, it is the obstructed view of an emotional area in a person’s life. It can often be something a person is unaware of or something they’ve chosen to ignore. Often the behavior becomes habitual and normalized. When it comes to me and my expression of feelings, I’m too emotional for her to handle. It’s the same behavior from me with my sister. My mom shuts down. “What’s wrong mom?” I guess I’m just a horrible mother that can’t do anything right.

I learned the behavior of emotionally and intellectually shutting down from my mom. To avoid conflict, it’s best to just shut up.

I don’t know any other way of saying this. Be a mom. Grow up. Everything is not just about you. Why do you put so much time and effort 4-6 times a week with your daughter yet, you rarely ever reach out to see how I’m doing? I know why. You can’t talk to me. Not just talk, but you don’t understand me. You don’t get me. I am a square peg to your star shape. I just, don’t fit. I have never been worth your time and effort to understand. I feel disconnected.

I don’t know if she would even remember this but in my teens was the first time she said to me that she can’t even stand listening to me for more than a few minutes. She blames a vibration in my voice that just puts her to sleep.

Point of Order

Let me make something very clear. Neither my sister or my mom are bad people. I do love them very much as being the woman who did the best she could to raise me and my sister. She got one of us right, who I am very proud of.

I hate myself for being different that my mom and my sister. I have to go somewhere I don’t want to go mentally. Life is about compromises. For me though, I feel I’m the only doing doing the compromising. I have paid therapists for 10+ years to help me emotionally grow. If it was up to me, I would stay away from them for the rest of my natural adult life because I hate who I have to be around them. I want to be with them as son and brother that I will put myself through emotional and psychological terror, bend who I am to be who they think I am.

Sister: 2022

I am aware that over the past 2-3 months, my sister has met someone who is helping her not to be a dork. Her words, not mine. What I get to experience are little peeks into my sister trying to slow down, listen, sympathize/empathize, and understand things from his perspective. I am looking forward to our Saturday evening talk.

Parents: 2021

Last year my mom and step-father came to visit me in Camas. For me, the entire experience was a breath of fresh air. My mom got to see me happy. I am surrounded by real friends who has shown me nothing but love, kindness, and respect. After 16 years, they finally got to meet Seth, albeit very briefly. We got to have dinner with 2 of the best people I had met, Wendy and Dan. They got to meet my friend Michal from @Co who I volunteered for a few months while she got to be super mom to her daughter who was going through cancer. They got to meet Nikki and Sami from Cake Happy; two incredible women who I genuinely feel a brother-sisters kinship. Being in a community who accepts me for who I am shouldn’t be so polarizing, but I have felt more myself here in Camas, WA than I ever have anywhere else.