Hi there, I’m Thomas, a 48-year-old individual navigating life with a unique combination of traits: I am an empath, I have high-functioning autism (HFA), and I experience a mix of primary and secondary alexithymia. Growing up in the southern traditions of North Carolina shaped my early years, but in 2013, I embarked on a journey to the west coast, seeking a better understanding of myself. Little did I know, this journey would lead me to Camas, Washington, where I’ve encountered both challenges and moments of profound growth.

Let me break it down for you: being an empath means I have an innate ability to deeply understand and share the feelings of others. It’s like having a heightened emotional radar, which can be both a blessing and a curse. If you’re struggling with this concept, have you ever heard someone suggest they have gaydar? Gaydar is a colloquialism referring to the intuitive ability of a person to assess others’ sexual orientations as homosexual, bisexual or straight. As an empath, I feel your feelings.

On the flip side, my high-functioning autism brings its own set of strengths and challenges. While I excel in certain areas (music, food, and computers) and have a keen eye for detail, social interactions can be daunting, and sensory sensitivities often overwhelm me. To top it off, alexithymia adds another layer of complexity, making it difficult for me to identify and express my own emotions, let alone understand those of others.

Living with these three conditions has its strengths. As an empath, I am deeply attuned to the emotions of those around me, allowing me to offer genuine support and empathy to others. My high-functioning autism brings a sharp focus and attention to detail, which has served me well in various endeavors. And even with alexithymia, I’ve developed resilience and an ability to approach situations with logic and reason.

However, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. The draining effects of being an empath can sometimes leave me feeling overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted, especially in chaotic or crowded environments. Social interactions, a challenge for many individuals with HFA, often leave me feeling drained and misunderstood. And navigating the complexities of alexithymia can sometimes feel like trying to decipher a language I never learned.

Recovery and healing have been ongoing journeys for me since my breakdown in 2005. While progress has been made, there are still challenges to overcome. Coping with the intersection of these three conditions requires patience, self-awareness, and support from those around me.

So, how can you support someone like me? Here are a few coping skills that have helped me along the way:

1. Self-care: There will be times when I will need to take breaks for myself. It’s important for my well-being that I recharge and rejuvenate. Please understand that this doesn’t mean you or anyone else has done something wrong. I simply need to prioritize self-care by meditating, spending time in nature, or engaging in a favorite hobby. Practicing self-care is essential for maintaining my emotional well-being.
   
   • Processing: I need to go through a process to help separate others’ emotions from my own. As an empath and support healer, I often feel deeply connected to the emotions of others, which can make it challenging to maintain a sense of self. It’s important for me to recognize that while I may empathize with others, their emotions are not my own. This means establishing boundaries and practices to prevent myself from carrying the emotional baggage of others. By cultivating a stronger sense of self and practicing mindfulness, I can better navigate my role as an empath and support healer while prioritizing my own emotional health.
     
2. Set boundaries: As an empath, my innate desire to help others often conflicts with my need to prioritize my own well-being. It’s ingrained in my very nature to want to alleviate others’ pain and suffering, but I’ve come to realize that I cannot pour from an empty cup. Setting boundaries has become essential for protecting my energy and emotional health.
   
   However, setting boundaries isn’t as simple as it sounds. It means learning to say no, which can be incredibly challenging for someone like me who thrives on being of service to others. Simply saying no often triggers my own feelings of guilt/worry that I become overwhelmed with the idea that I may be letting someone down. It feels like I’m going against the very essence of who I am.
   
   I’m starting to come  to understand that setting boundaries is not selfish. It’s necessary for my own well-being. It’s about recognizing my own limits and honoring my needs, even if it means disappointing others from time to time. I’ve had to learn that saying no doesn’t make me any less empathetic or caring; it simply means I’m taking care of myself so that I can continue to be there for others in a sustainable way. It is a constant balancing act, and I’m still learning and growing every day.
   
   But through many trials and errors, I’m discovering that setting boundaries not only preserves my own energy and emotional health but also allows me to show up more authentically and fully for those who truly need my support.
   
3. Seeking support: This an essential part of my healing journey, but it’s not always easy for me. I have a natural inclination to respect and honor others’ journeys, often to the point of submitting my own needs and desires. I welcome and celebrate people’s transformations and growth, but I also recognize that my eagerness to support others can sometimes lead me to neglect my own well-being.
   
   • Challenge 1: The Blessed: It’s not uncommon for me to invest deeply in others’ lives, serving as a blank canvas for their hopes, dreams, and struggles. I find joy in witnessing their journey of self-discovery and liberation, but in the process, I sometimes lose sight of my own sense of self. I become so wrapped up in others’ growth and development that I forget to nurture my own.
     
   • Challenge 2: The Curse: I have this tendency to prioritize others over myself. It becomes difficult to ask for support when I need it most. It never feels like it’s my turn; ever. In my mind, seeking support means shifting from being a canvas to being a brush, an active participant rather than a passive observer. I think of it as I must be off if I’m not on. How do I be there for myself without attracting human moths, drawn to my light?
     
   • Challenge 3: The Balance: Finding this balance between supporting others and prioritizing my own needs is an ongoing journey, one that requires building confidence in who I am and accepting that self-care is not selfish, but necessary for my own well-being. It’s about recognizing that I am not defined by the roles I play or the people I support, but by the unique colors and brushstrokes that make me who I am. Only by maintaining this sense of self can I avoid repeating the patterns of history and create a life that honors both my own needs and the needs of those around me.
     
4. Practice mindfulness: This has become the essential tool in my journey towards inner peace and emotional balance. Through mindfulness practices like deep breathing exercises, meditation, and grounding techniques, I’ve discovered the power of staying present and managing overwhelming emotions by becoming nothing.
   
   Recently I had a profound realization about the power of mindfulness during a stay at the local hospital early 2024. In the midst of medical monitoring and uncertainty, I found solace in the simplicity of nothingness. With the constant monitoring of my heartbeat, I was able to disengage from the chaos of the outside world and embrace the serenity of the present moment. There were no worries, no distractions, just the assurance that someone was there for me, looking out for my well-being without even needing to ask.
   
   This experience taught me the importance of allowing myself to be mindful, especially during times of difficulty or physical distress, and find peace in nothing.. By finding time to engage in healthy conversations with trusted individuals about what’s going on in my life, I can prevent my emotions from spiraling out of control. It’s crucial for me to be mindful of self-sabotage and the tendency to become my own worst enemy when overwhelmed by distress.
   
   In these moments, I meet another aspect of myself, a vision of someone I used to be, filled with doubt and self-criticism. But through mindfulness, I’ve learned to accept and process these negative emotions, allowing myself the grace to be kind and compassionate towards myself. It’s a lesson that may seem simple, but its impact is profound. The longer I remain in this state of mindfulness, the clearer everything else becomes, and the more capable I am of navigating life’s challenges with resilience and grace.
   
5. Educate: Educating myself about the intricacies of empathy, autism, and alexithymia has been a transformative and exhaustive journey so far. However, by understanding these conditions more deeply, I’ve not only gained insight into my own experiences but I’ve also fostered empathy and support from others. Sharing this knowledge with those around me has helped break down stigma and create a more inclusive environment with others.
   
   However, I’ve realized that my learning journey doesn’t end with acquiring knowledge, it extends to connecting with others who share similar experiences. Meeting fellow “blank canvases” or individuals who understand these conditions firsthand would greatly benefit me. It’s a chance to find understanding and solidarity in a world where these traits can often feel isolating.
   

Living with the combination of empathy, high-functioning autism, and alexithymia has its challenges, but it has also taught me resilience, empathy, and strength. By embracing my unique traits and leaning into support from those around me, I will continue to navigate life’s ups and downs with grace and determination. And to anyone out there walking a similar path, know that you are not alone. There’s magic out there to experience, be a part of, and make your own. I’ll be in your audience cheering you on.

I’m incredibly grateful to everyone who has taught me something valuable in my lifetime. Each interaction, whether big or small, has contributed to my growth and understanding. I cherish the connections I’ve made and hope that our paths cross again someday, as we continue to learn and support each other on this journey of self-discovery and acceptance. Wouldn’t that be nice?