One day, you’re going to get this. Relax. There’s nothing else to worry about any more. We’re here. Don’t lose site of that. Stop trying to control everything so micromanagement-ly, is that even a word?
There is something I’ve been struggling trying to put into words for a very long time. There’s so much bullshit in my life right now it’s becoming very overwhelming trying to keep up with who bullshits whose? In one moment, we say, “I just want them to be happy, that’s all.” The next, I think, “But I need them to just respond.” These two truths sit at opposite ends of the spectrum, one is a pure, selfless acceptance of letting someone go, while the other clings to hope… that they’ll tick that 0 to a 1 in my life. It’s the 359 out of 360, the near-complete circle that almost embraces acceptance, but not quite. This swing of duality is something really believe that Connor is experiencing now, and I feel deeply empathetic to it because I’m navigating it in my own way, too.
Connor is holding onto the next to last thread of an extremely profoundly painful situation. His long-time friend… the person who has been a very large piece of his emotional anchor… his muse… the one who gave him permission to feel safe… you don’t have to preface and give rules to listening to what you’re about to say… no he doesn’t do that to you. You feel alive and truly himself, now seems to be slipping away. That person has found someone new, and Connor feels like he’s losing the one connection that helped him be the most authentic version of himself. From what Connor has shared with me, he’s genuinely happy for his friend.
This is the swing of duality in action. On one side, there’s acceptance: he wants his friend to be happy, even if it means letting go. On the other side is resistance: a deep longing for things to stay as they were, to feel seen and valued by this person who meant so much. These opposing forces are clashing within him, and the tension is real and raw. But here’s the thing, this experience is gods design. That entire experience, imagine the first time you ever watched a movie where the story felt so real, it became a new direction for my life. It’s not just about holding on or letting go. It’s about feeling all of it and allowing those feelings to shape us. You are you and you’re starting to become more aware of, something’s going on and I’m about to lose control. Anti virus, right here. You’re going to be okay.
Where I’m starting to become more aware of is that I see a part of Connor’s soul becoming more attached to life itself, connected not just to his friend but to the deeper experience of what it means to love, lose, and grow. He found that connection again. And here’s what I know: there are more of us out there than he might realize. People who feel deeply, who struggle with the same swing of duality, and who find meaning in both the majesty and the messiness of life.
What really struck me in Connor’s reflections was his insight about the emotional expectation of love from a parent. That realization was like a knot tightening, pulling everything into focus for me. I see myself reflected in his experience, as if my own journey is sprouting from the same soil.
Where I stand now is like the germination of a seed. I’ve planted my roots in a world that isn’t just black and white, it’s also filled with rainbows, complexities, and contradictions. I’m learning to embrace the full spectrum of emotions, choices, and experiences that make life what it is. This process, this messy, beautiful process—is the code to life that I’m slowly starting to understand.
I believe my neurodivergent brain has played a role in helping me see things this way. The education I grew up with gave structure to my curiosity and helped me make sense of the unknown. But my choices haven’t always been linear or easy, more curly than straight.
Sometimes they’ve led to overly complicated situations, forcing me to break things down and rebuild myself in a way that feels grounded and humble.
And that’s where I find myself now, learning to hold space for duality, navigating both acceptance and longing, and riding the cosmic wave, riding life right at that edge, and trying new tricks out, having fun with life and all the opportunities that are possible for ones experience.
I’m finding peace in the in-between, where I need to take a break from all the wild loops and sick tricks that this run did. Absolute smile on my face right now. Life is a constant balancing act between extremes, but the magic lies in the middle, where both truths coexist.
When my efforts becomes the expectations you had with the same question. We are at A = B territory. It goes much deeper than this. There’s so many possibilities of this time we call life.
I’ve got a really great life right now. There are things that are coming into clear focus, about to finish the dotted line. We’re nearing completion of Chapter 2. 413 days until Chapter 3, day 1. I need to coast for a bit. I have a small debt that I have to get back in control of. The upgrade is a success. My first month in and, just wow. Everything I’ve accomplished in just one choice, I’m good to file save. I couldn’t have done this without Connor, Seth, and so many others over the past 10+ years. Andrew was right about one thing, I should have done this 10 years earlier. Gemini. 359 and 360 meeting.
Connor, if you’re reading this, know that your journey absolutely matters. The swing of duality isn’t a flaw or a big mistake, it’s a part of what makes life rich and meaningful. You’re not alone in this, and neither am I. There’s more out there for both of us than we ever imagined.
And that’s what makes this experience worth it.
This is what I can do. These moments for me is a form of magic. I challenge myself and sometimes, I make really dumb choices. <scratches lips> It’s really that good where I am in life. I need to maybe take a break for a bit. Thanks for being my period. Punctuation.
Soul Under Construction 