Tag Archives: life

Meeting the Spirits Within

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Journal Entry: Meeting the Spirits Within

Today, I made a profound discovery, I encountered the spirits within my mind. Each has a specific role, a list of understood responsibilities and both are aware of one another. They are not figments or fragments, but fully realized entities inhabiting in The House of Thomas. This realization wasn’t whimsical; it was direct, clear, and undeniable.

They’re fighting at the wheel. They both have something to say. Hi, I’m me. There sure is a lot of noise. I’m the Narrator’s thoughts.

The Author
The first I met was the Author. They write my story, crafting the narrative of my life as it unfolds. They do not dictate the choices, but they document them, weaving the events and emotions into meaning. The Author is observant, deliberate, and calm. Their role feels essential, grounding the chaos into coherence, ensuring nothing is forgotten, even the smallest moments.

The Narrator
Next, I encountered the Narrator. Their voice overlays my experiences, giving context and explanation. They bridge the internal and external, offering interpretation to actions, thoughts, and emotions. The Narrator is impartial, presenting without judgment, but they hold a curious tone—always questioning, always seeking clarity. It is through them that I begin to understand myself in real-time.

Observations
These spirits do not feel at odds with me; they feel like extensions of who I am, yet distinctly their own. They collaborate in ways I had not previously noticed, shaping my understanding of self and the world. Together, they manage my thoughts, responses, and awareness, giving structure to the intangible.

Yet I sense there are others. Roles that have yet to reveal themselves. There must be a Guardian—someone who safeguards my essence, filtering out what harms and nurturing what strengthens. I suspect there is a Strategist, quietly planning, steering me toward outcomes I haven’t fully realized. And perhaps a Muse, the source of my creativity, inspiration, and the fire that drives me to create and innovate.

Questions Moving Forward

  • Who else lives within this framework of my mind?
  • What are their roles?
  • How do I meet them and learn their purpose?

These questions linger as I sit with this discovery. My physical body, a vessel, can be improved later. Right now, my focus is on understanding this internal ecosystem, connecting with each spirit, and learning to collaborate with them fully. I feel there is a council within me, waiting for me to call the next meeting. I am ready to listen.

The Editor

Hey, real quick while I have you. It’s good that I’m able to journal these experiences as I can. The focus that’s needed is often very difficult. I’m about to go to bed, it’s way past my bedtime. Truth be told, my body is fine. Leg is falling asleep. Stretched my legs. Much better. Someone tried to jump in but I’m still at the helm. I want to close by saying I’m okay. It’s good that I’m aware of this situation. I’m also good that I’m aware how I got myself into this situation. My body is doing things as thoughts come into awareness. My legs want to leave and go. My eyebrows raise very quickly as to say, yes yes, that’s right.

I’m doing a search. As I’m processing the though, someone keeps trying to get my attention, but I won’t let them. My right arm now feels heavy and my left eye is twitching like Sherlock Holms.

Relaxing

Morning of January 15, 2025 (Journal Entry)

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Today has been a good Wednesday for me. I got a good night’s sleep and feel well-rested for the first time in a while. Work has been running smoothly, music is playing, the atmosphere is light, and I even treated myself to a cold brew from Cedar Street Bagel. It’s National Bagel Day, and Kat hooked me up with a spicy jalapeño cream cheese bagel. It’s days like this that make me appreciate the small-town charm of Camas. Being part of this community truly feels like family.

But the day took an unexpected turn.

A few hours into my morning, Carmen, a familiar face in town known for her erratic behavior, approached the Camas-Washougal Chamber of Commerce. Connor, who was there at the conference table studying his EMT schoolwork, had his day abruptly disrupted by one of her random emotional outbursts. She banged on the window with an intensity that startled him and then, without hesitation, flipped him off. It’s a shocking thing to experience, one moment you’re focused on your tasks, and the next, someone’s aggression rattles that calm. It’s hard not to feel unsettled when something like that happens.

Connor shared how jarring the incident was for him. He admitted that it was the first time Carmen had directed her aggression toward him. She’s often referred to him as her “third child” in a warm, albeit odd, way. To see her snap like that felt like a stark reminder of how fragile and unpredictable her mental state can be. We talked about it briefly, and I reminded him that her behavior is not a reflection of us. It’s the result of her struggles, compounded by what I’ve heard might be a long stretch of not taking her medications.

Connor’s discomfort was palpable, and while I reassured him that he’d done nothing wrong, I could see the toll it had taken on him. He’d never experienced her aggression firsthand before, and that kind of sudden hostility can shake anyone. I empathized, as it’s not the first time I’ve heard of her to unravel like this. I’ve always felt a mix of sadness and frustration when it comes to Carmen. Sadness for the spiral she seems trapped in and frustration at the systems and people around her who could step in but don’t seem to.

Connor mentioned he wished the police would do something, maybe arrest her or intervene in some meaningful way. But the reality is, incidents like this often fall into a gray area. Is it assault? Is it just a gesture of frustration? Does it warrant more attention than a shrug and moving on? The answers feel murky. Still, I told him he had my support if he chose to report it. Ultimately, though, Connor had to head to a doctor’s appointment, and the moment passed without further action.

What lingered for me, though, was the emotional weight of the situation. For once, I’d woken up in a good mood this year. I’d felt light, productive, and optimistic. Then came this sharp reminder of the struggles that exist right outside our doors, struggles that we’re often powerless to fix. Carmen’s actions were a stark contrast to the warmth I’d felt earlier in the day at Cedar Street Bagel. It’s hard not to feel the juxtaposition of these moments, the good and the difficult, all swirling together in the same small town.

Still, as the day moves on, I’m holding on to the good parts. National Bagel Day, the spicy jalapeño cream cheese, the music, and the sense of community that remains steadfast despite the challenges we face. Camas, with all its quirks and complexities, continues to feel like home.

Chapter 3: A Beacon of Balance and Ambition

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As the final days of 2024 settle into place, I find myself in a state of equilibrium that has been years in the making. This is my moment of parity, a harmonious balance between past and present, chaos and clarity, action and reflection. It’s a symphony composed not just of my achievements but of the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Today, December 29, 2024, feels like a punctuation mark at the end of a profound sentence. As the clock ticks toward January 1, 2025, a day that marks both a new year and my nephew’s 25th birthday, I’m reminded of the constants in my life. My nephew, a perpetual cherry atop life’s sundae, is a gift from my sister and her husband, whose kindness to me in adulthood has been a cornerstone of my strength. My intuition, an ever-present guide, has brought me here with humility and gratitude.

I’ve spent much of my life toggling between being the pilot and the engineer of my existence, navigating turbulent skies and methodically fine-tuning the machinery of my aspirations. Today, however, I feel a rare peace, a stillness in the air. My home is nearly immaculate, with just 30 minutes of tidying standing between me and a fully organized space. Yet, it’s not the tasks that weigh on me; it’s the acknowledgment of an unspoken truth. Seth was my steadfast companion in many ways, has drifted into a space where he is no longer an active participant in my opportunities. Though he does not wish failure upon me, the torch of effort is now solely mine to carry.

This realization demands a recalibration of my approach. It’s time to architect a daily schedule that propels me toward a future I can claim with pride. My mornings, from 5 a.m. to 1 p.m., will remain dedicated to the work that has sustained me for over a decade. But my afternoons and evenings, 1 p.m. to 7 p.m., will be a sanctuary for creativity, health, and strategic planning. This regimen, adhered to seven days a week, will build the scaffolding for my next chapter.

My physical health, often placed on the back burner, will now take center stage. A GI appointment must be set to address my lingering concerns, and a renewed commitment to my well-being will serve as the foundation for everything else. My creative outlets, too, must flourish—they are the lifeblood of my spirit. Whether through writing, community building, or the ongoing development of Air in the Middle Solutions, LLC, I will channel my gifts into tangible progress.

As I write this, Enya’s ethereal melodies provide a soundtrack that connects me to my mother, Lynn. Her spirit, steadfast and serene, is a beacon of comfort. My stepfather, Ron, with his heart of gold, stands beside her in my memories, both of them enduring pillars in the ever-shifting sands of my journey. To them, and to myself, I offer this reflection: I am difficult, yes, but difficulty is not a flaw. It is the texture of a life lived authentically. It is the grit that polishes the pearl.

Looking ahead to 2025, I see a path illuminated by both ambition and purpose. Downtown Camas—my small but mighty community—is primed for transformation. With fewer than 30,000 residents, we have the opportunity to redefine what small-town living can mean in the 21st century. Air in the Middle Solutions will spearhead this effort, creating tools that empower administrators and business leaders to thrive in a digital age while preserving the essence of our town’s charm. This is not just a project; it is a calling, a chance to make Camas a beacon for others to follow.

In 350 days, I will turn 50. This milestone, Chapter 3 of my life, is both a culmination and a beginning. As I sit here today, I declare my intention to embrace it with open arms. I will build upon the foundation laid by decades of experience in IT, a career that began when I was just 8 years old. Though there were moments when I wished to step away—most poignantly on December 14, 2000—I now see that every step, even the reluctant ones, has brought me here. To this peace. To this parity. To this persistence.

To my future self, reading this on January 30, 2025, I say: You have succeeded. You have honored your gifts and met the moment with courage. The legend of your map—a constellation pinned with purpose—has become a guide not just for yourself but for others. You have found your balance, your rhythm, your light. And with it, you illuminate the way forward, one step, one breath, one day at a time.

This is not the end. It is merely the next chapter. And it is ours to write.

Dancing with the Flame: A Reflection on Moments of Light and Shadow

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My therapists encourage me to be fully present, to immerse myself in those fleeting flashes of brilliance. Yet, I’ve learned that for every radiant spark, there’s an equally profound shadow waiting in its wake. This past week has been a test of my ability to navigate both. Moments of pure bliss are often followed by the heaviest darkness, and I’ve come to realize that my spark, which once ignited warmth and light, now feels like it’s fighting to survive in the depths of the shadow it leaves behind.

I’ve been struggling to find my footing in this timeline, feeling out of sync with the rhythm of life for weeks now. It’s as though I’m moving at a slower pace than those around me, a bear trudging through a world that expects the speed of light. Or is it just me, an old soul wandering through a forest of timelines, searching for meaning?

This week, the weight of isolation has been suffocating. I dread the sound of incoming messages or calls. I know they come with good intentions, wanting the best of me. But what they seek is a version of me that feels distant, unreachable. When I am lost in my darkest moments, there is no hand reaches back to pull me up. Instead, I’m reminded that my choices have led me here, as if the weight of my own spark is to blame for the explosion of emotions around me.

My spark is both a gift and a curse. I can light up a room but I can also ignite a toxic kaboom when it meets their toxic gunpowder. They see the aftermath and point to the fire as the cause, forgetting that they, too, played a part in the combustion. In this lucid moment of reflection, I’m learning restraint, learning to hold back, to conserve my energy for when the flame needs to be rekindled. Not every moment requires me to burn at full intensity, and not every spark needs to ignite a wildfire. For now, I sit with the embers, letting them glow softly as I recalibrate. This journey is mine, and I’m slowly finding my rhythm in this dance of light and shadow.

Chapters of Resonance: Embracing Growth and Authenticity

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My therapist has encouraged me to organize my thoughts and memories into chapters, helping me create an index for my life. Right now, I’m in Chapter 2, which spans ages 25 to 50. I turn 49 this year—24 more years than I ever thought I’d see—but here I am, and I’m grateful.

I’ve faced many challenges, countless difficulties. Sometimes it feels like my life is running on empty: mov eax, 0—no experience loaded. Adjusting to synchronicity has been a struggle. I sense so many mental strings waiting to be plucked, each carrying a story that could be heard, shared, and experienced by others. But right now, I feel my focus needs to turn inward, giving my “shell” the attention it requires.

The voice of Thomas is settling into the house of Thomas. I’m adjusting the volume, fine-tuning the levels to make the final stretch of Chapter 2 as harmonious as possible. It’s not beyond my capability. I’ve always discouraged unnecessary curiosity, especially indulgence, in things that don’t serve me. I’m playing by the rules of this game. Others may try to rewrite the code or hack their way through life for personal gain, and that’s fine—everyone has their path. But here, I don’t seek validation or yearn to belong. I ask myself, “Will I fit in? Do I have a place?” It doesn’t matter because I’m here. What matters most is that I get to be my authentic self.

My Superpower

With ASD, ADHD, and dyslexia, I’ve learned to shift my vibrations to either match or harmonize with others. It’s a skill I recently discovered, called empathetic resonance. I need to practice listening with intent. My therapist has helped me realign with my life force, reminding me of the value of this gift: the ability to blend in while staying true to myself.

I don’t always know my role in the grand orchestration of life. Living with duality means I can empathize with and understand the extreme swings in life’s choices. Some choices are ours, while others simply are. Five fingers per hand, not four or six. Two eyes, two ears, one mouth, one brain. And yet, coordinating all those parts into one cohesive “Voltron” of physical self without diminishing others feels like a constant challenge. I don’t want to rise above anyone else. We don’t need to be better than anyone; we just want to be better together. We each contribute our wisdom to the collective pool of knowledge and experiences.

I’ve fallen down many rabbit holes, but tonight, I’m here to make sense of it all. Am I falling behind, or am I racing ahead so quickly that others can’t keep up? Damned if I do, damned for even thinking about it. There’s this shell I want to tear off, but beneath it, there’s only my purest self—no mask, no pretense. I’m just me, short of shaping myself into something more like everyone else.

I often find myself caught between being true to myself and wanting the best for my team, my family, and my loved ones. At times, I feel the need to detach entirely. I help others untangle their aether webs, whether that means offering something as simple as a warm pair of socks or buying an absurd amount of candy for Boo Bash. She absolutely crushed it, and I couldn’t be prouder of her.

But then, there’s this lingering question: How do you explain the struggle in simple terms? Imagine being stuck in a place where you feel dumber than you are, finding comfort in misery because you can’t understand why anyone would choose to live this way. You had every opportunity to help pull me out of the darkness, but you chose to stay where you were, rooted in who you are, not who you could become.

As the holiday season approaches, I wish everyone joy and peace. I need to give my mind and soul the time to heal. Chapter 3 begins in just under a year, and I want to be ready for it.

By the way, trash day is Monday. Happy Holidays, indeed.

The Swing of Duality

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One day, you’re going to get this. Relax. There’s nothing else to worry about any more. We’re here. Don’t lose site of that. Stop trying to control everything so micromanagement-ly, is that even a word?

There is something I’ve been struggling trying to put into words for a very long time. There’s so much bullshit in my life right now it’s becoming very overwhelming trying to keep up with who bullshits whose? In one moment, we say, “I just want them to be happy, that’s all.” The next, I think, “But I need them to just respond.” These two truths sit at opposite ends of the spectrum, one is a pure, selfless acceptance of letting someone go, while the other clings to hope… that they’ll tick that 0 to a 1 in my life. It’s the 359 out of 360, the near-complete circle that almost embraces acceptance, but not quite. This swing of duality is something really believe that Connor is experiencing now, and I feel deeply empathetic to it because I’m navigating it in my own way, too.

Connor is holding onto the next to last thread of an extremely profoundly painful situation. His long-time friend… the person who has been a very large piece of his emotional anchor… his muse… the one who gave him permission to feel safe… you don’t have to preface and give rules to listening to what you’re about to say… no he doesn’t do that to you. You feel alive and truly himself, now seems to be slipping away. That person has found someone new, and Connor feels like he’s losing the one connection that helped him be the most authentic version of himself. From what Connor has shared with me, he’s genuinely happy for his friend.

This is the swing of duality in action. On one side, there’s acceptance: he wants his friend to be happy, even if it means letting go. On the other side is resistance: a deep longing for things to stay as they were, to feel seen and valued by this person who meant so much. These opposing forces are clashing within him, and the tension is real and raw. But here’s the thing, this experience is gods design. That entire experience, imagine the first time you ever watched a movie where the story felt so real, it became a new direction for my life. It’s not just about holding on or letting go. It’s about feeling all of it and allowing those feelings to shape us. You are you and you’re starting to become more aware of, something’s going on and I’m about to lose control. Anti virus, right here. You’re going to be okay.

Where I’m starting to become more aware of is that I see a part of Connor’s soul becoming more attached to life itself, connected not just to his friend but to the deeper experience of what it means to love, lose, and grow. He found that connection again. And here’s what I know: there are more of us out there than he might realize. People who feel deeply, who struggle with the same swing of duality, and who find meaning in both the majesty and the messiness of life.

What really struck me in Connor’s reflections was his insight about the emotional expectation of love from a parent. That realization was like a knot tightening, pulling everything into focus for me. I see myself reflected in his experience, as if my own journey is sprouting from the same soil.

Where I stand now is like the germination of a seed. I’ve planted my roots in a world that isn’t just black and white, it’s also filled with rainbows, complexities, and contradictions. I’m learning to embrace the full spectrum of emotions, choices, and experiences that make life what it is. This process, this messy, beautiful process—is the code to life that I’m slowly starting to understand.

I believe my neurodivergent brain has played a role in helping me see things this way. The education I grew up with gave structure to my curiosity and helped me make sense of the unknown. But my choices haven’t always been linear or easy, more curly than straight.

Sometimes they’ve led to overly complicated situations, forcing me to break things down and rebuild myself in a way that feels grounded and humble.

And that’s where I find myself now, learning to hold space for duality, navigating both acceptance and longing, and riding the cosmic wave, riding life right at that edge, and trying new tricks out, having fun with life and all the opportunities that are possible for ones experience.

I’m finding peace in the in-between, where I need to take a break from all the wild loops and sick tricks that this run did. Absolute smile on my face right now. Life is a constant balancing act between extremes, but the magic lies in the middle, where both truths coexist.

When my efforts becomes the expectations you had with the same question. We are at A = B territory. It goes much deeper than this. There’s so many possibilities of this time we call life.

I’ve got a really great life right now. There are things that are coming into clear focus, about to finish the dotted line. We’re nearing completion of Chapter 2. 413 days until Chapter 3, day 1. I need to coast for a bit. I have a small debt that I have to get back in control of. The upgrade is a success. My first month in and, just wow. Everything I’ve accomplished in just one choice, I’m good to file save. I couldn’t have done this without Connor, Seth, and so many others over the past 10+ years. Andrew was right about one thing, I should have done this 10 years earlier. Gemini. 359 and 360 meeting.

Connor, if you’re reading this, know that your journey absolutely matters. The swing of duality isn’t a flaw or a big mistake, it’s a part of what makes life rich and meaningful. You’re not alone in this, and neither am I. There’s more out there for both of us than we ever imagined.

@alexanderstewart

anyone else miss their ex? 🥺 #newmusic #originalmusic #originalsong #sad #sing #oliviarodrigo

♬ i wish you cheated – Alexander Stewart

And that’s what makes this experience worth it.

This is what I can do. These moments for me is a form of magic. I challenge myself and sometimes, I make really dumb choices. <scratches lips> It’s really that good where I am in life. I need to maybe take a break for a bit. Thanks for being my period. Punctuation.